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02 January 2008

Witness Protection Program

Tonya and I would make great mafia snitches....

You think it was because we saw nefarious acts of violence committed by Rocko-from-Chicago (no comment) and are willing to squeal about them? Hardly. It is because we can go off the grid and be largely untraceable for days and weeks at a time. You gotta a problem wit dat? Huh? Dooz ya?

In what has become a glorious and protected annual tradition, we spend the week between Christmas and New Years hunkered down. No phones, no significant contact with the outside world and no showers (okay, we tried going without once, then revised that part of the plan). Pajama's for most of the day, a fire in the fireplace, tea on the stove, movies on TV, books in hand. And of course this year, Ethan to keep us company with his growing list of hijinks. If you and yours can go off the grid for at least a few days, I would recommend it. It does the body good.

Want to simulate being in the witness protection program too, just without having the burden of changing your name to Joe Schmoe and moving to Peoria? Try this:

Step 1: Don't actually participate in a criminal will catch up with you and take the fun out of going off the grid. You will have to go to jail and get married to someone named Butch. And that applies to both men and women by the way. It ain't pretty.
Step 2: House yourself with a great cook that can make anything out of anything for days at a time. It helps if you have a fair amount of non-perishable food or at least an ample supply of MRE's.
Step 3: Turn off the phone, except perhaps that one bat phone for bat emergency's. Our society flourished a long, long time without people being in 24 hour constant contact...anybody remember that?
Step 4: Make sure you actually like your housemate. Otherwise you might tend to end up like Jame's Caan under Kathy Bate's 'care' in the 1990 movie Misery.
Step 5: Don't look ahead to going back to the real world. It is depressing. Pretending that every day can be spent eating biscotti and sipping coffee at 10am while watching the 96th straight hour of Law & Order while still in your PJ's is much better for the psyche.
Step 6: Finally...get a grip. It is hard to enjoy taking time off and committing to serious down time unless you balance that with hard work the rest of the year.

Another alternative of course is to live the life a baby. Every moment of every day is spent being cuddled, napped, changed, stimulated or fed. Cutting out other distractions for a week is a great time to gain perspective on how perfect that life can really be.

And really now, a life like that AND being the kid of two parents on the lam in the Witness Protection Program? How do we tell Ethan that it doesn't get any better than he has it now?

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