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01 December 2007

Purse Snatcher

I need a new bag. A diaper bag to be exact. And this is not a good place to be if you are me.

  1. I am a male.

  2. I am a gear snob.
Those are not a good combination when trying to find just the right bag for the job. First, lets run down the problem.

I am a male, or more apropos, I am not a female. Lest we forget, males are good, males buy stuff and males help in the baby making process (yes!). But, males are apparently not typically the one schlepping the diaper bag around. Ergo, Diaper Bag makers and mavens don't make or market much diaper gear with the male in mind.

I am a gear snob. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know, there are less feminine diaper bags available. There are even some manly bags out there (even camouflage for that special guy that is taking his infant deer hunting I guess. Please). But that is not the point. I am not afraid to carry a bag with little duckies on it, I just don't want to. And like Former Pres. Bush, Sr. said about eating broccoli, I am now in a position where I don't have to carry a little duckie diaper bag if I don't want to!

There are some earnest salespeople in various bag and luggage shops who are full of sh..., uh, shopping tips on how to travel with a baby by modifying bag x or the like. But they have never travelled anywhere with me. I carry stuff. Important stuff. And I want to be able to secure my stuff, access my stuff, organize my stuff and well, stuff my stuff. Dig?

And since I am not in a hurry to add to the outlandish $200+ Billion dollar a year trade deficit with the Chinese, my available list of products is notably short.

In September 1987 the United States trade deficit was $245 Million dollars, in that one month alone. The value of our exports were $304 million and the value of their imports were $549 million. A decade later, in September 1997, the deficit was $5.5 Billion, with a "B"...and in September of this year (2007) America absorbed nearly $30 BILLION dollars worth of Chinese goods, creating our largest deficit in history: nearly $24 BILLION dollars in just one month. Yikes. And with behemoth retailers like Wally World cannibalizing the marketplace...the deficit will only get larger because our addiction to poor quality, inexpensive pieces of you-know-what, knows no limits. And you thought a dependence on foreign oil was bad?

But I digress....

So I am holding out until I find the right bag, or at least a reasonable facsimile. Or maybe I will just design one and make it myself out of old truck tires, gorilla glue and climbing rope. In the meantime, I continue to prowl the parks and malls and pizza parlors sneaking a peek at everyone's diaper bags. I am sure more than one poor mother has thought about reporting me to mall security for my stalking ways. But then as they rehearse their police report perhaps they see that anyone who is jonesing for a bag carrying feces wrapped in plastic rather than eyeing her purse or shopping bags is probably harmless and is more in need of mental health attention anyway.

And there is not much argument there because mine is a cursed existence. Being a man and a gear snob is only tolerable until you become the parent of a newborn. Then the abysmal offerings can drive any man insane.

2 comments:

Laurie said...

Mike,
I have the same exact issue when shopping for a purse. I have yet to find the exact purse I am looking for. I to carry stuff and need a bag to organize it all in and have it all easily accessible. I guess I will have to make one myself. Maybe we can collaborate on the 'Perfect bag' and start our own handbag business! :) Ha!ha!

Michael M. said...

Well, in my former life, I did know a thing or two about handbags (and no, it is not what you are thinking!)... maybe that is why I am such a gear snob.